The Gozer Files

It's been a busy year

2010-12-22T17:29:00.000-08:00

I don't get to the computer much, they're all off when the humans go to sleep and I can't figure out how to turn them on, but TheLady left hers on tonight while she was cooking. Rice I think. Rice is kinda yucky, I'm just sayin'.

Anydog, there's a lot to go over before she comes back.

I got in trouble last spring, bad trouble. See, there were these humans in the yard with ladders and paint cans and things, really nice humans, but one of them opened the gate and the beagle being well, the beagle, took off. I of course followed, because it's fun, but I didn't go far, just to the park behind the house.

Little human puppies play there, running and screaming and generally acting like puppies, and, well, I tried to play with them, only I scared them, and they ran - and, oh my dog, anything that runs is so, so fun to chase! And I caught one, knocked him over and tried to wrestle - fun fun!! All growly and rough like with the beagle - but he got hurt, it was an accident!

I just wanted to play and I didn't know that human puppies were so fragile, I was much nicer to him than the beagle! But before I knew it TheLady was crying and upset because she'd made a mistake, thinking that my shot was due in a couple of months, but it was the beagle's that was almost due while mine had expired. I don't know how she got confused - me and the beagle are nothing alike - but she did. And I was so SORRY, I didn't mean to hurt and scare the human puppy! I love them, they're so awesome and fun.

But, sorry or not, a man in a red truck came and took me away. And it was horrible! I was in a small pen with bars and a concrete floor, right there by other concrete and bars pens. Dog jail was so scary and loud and smelly! TheLady came every day to take me for a walk and she brought me treats and toys and a blanket - which got covered in pee because the dog in the next cell wasn't housebroke like me - and she took me for walks and I licked everyone I could because I'm a good dog, not a bad dog that needs to be in jail!!

And I was there forever! Fore. Ever. Everyone said I was super sweet and they knew that it was just an accident what had happened, but I still had to be in dog jail for a really long time. Forever. And the beagle only came to visit once. Once. Little bastard.

When I finally got to go home, the beagle was all laughing at me and being rotten. So I showed him how tough I got from being in jail. The next day, TheLady brought another dog home, a crazy spastic puppy thing that wouldn't be quiet or hold still or leave the beagle and me alone or even remember to pee outside. He really bugged me, always jumping around and barking and going over the fence - while the beagle kept trying to escape by going under or having me move the boards so he could go through.

But I didn't want to escape, because last time I did, the human puppy got hurt and I went to jail. Me! So I stayed in the yard. Always. And one day, both the beagle and the spastic puppy got loose and run off - me, I went to the porch and barked so my humans would let me right in - and they never came back.

Never.

Even though they always had come back before, even when I was a super good dog and stayed home and told them they'd get in trouble for escaping. But there's no talking to a beagle.

I wonder sometimes if they jumped on some human puppy and got taken to dog jail like I did, but nobody knows. My humans looked for them, even mentioned several times that they were 'tagged' - although I don't know what tagging has to do with anything. Tag's a game, everyone knows that. Still, they never came home. They just disappeared.

But, with the beagle and spastic puppy gone, I'm in the house almost all of the time, unless the humans have to leave in their car and be gone for what seems like forever.

I like being a house dog, but I'm always super excited when they come home!

The teeny cat - the one everyone always said was super cute - had babies! Little wriggly baby kitten things and they were pretty cute, if ornery. They liked to climb on me and jump on things. But they're all gone now, as is the number five cat, he, like the beagle and spastic puppy, just disappeared one day. I guess that happens.

The other cats are fine and mostly like me and are happy to have me around. One even cuddles with me sometimes. And every night I sleep by the human's bed - or on my very own bed downstairs - and I get to have my food dish filled whenever it's empty, and there's always water since there's no beagle to pee at night if he drinks. I get lots and lots of treats (every single time I come in the house! How cool is that?), and I get to take car rides - they're such FUN! - and go for walks and I get to get the mail every day and, really, it's all pretty good.

I get lonely sometimes - the beagle was good for wrestling with, if nothing else - but all in all, I'm a happy dog!

Shepherds are mouthy

2009-09-10T00:28:00.001-07:00

Yeah, yeah, I know it's been a long time since I've had access to a keyboard, but it's not like I had a lot of choice here. The beagle, well, he likes to dig. And he kept trying to escape (which like I said before is just kinda silly if he's gonna come right back, I mean, really, what's the point?) and he dug up Fort Stewie. A LOT. Huge holes all over the place, and he ate a tree. Yes, a TREE! Oh, sure, it was a little tree, but a tree none the less. And that love seat I enjoyed so much? He ate that too. Well, I helped, a little, but only because he made me.

And, anyway, we've spent a LOT of time outside. And our yard's smaller now (and there are bricks and stones all the way around so the beagle can't dig out), but our dog house, get this, it has a DECK on it. So we sit up there and we can see like EVERYTHING and bark at any dog who walks by and it really is pretty cool. I really like the deck. Sometimes I'll stand up there and bark at Stewie as he runs circles around the dog house, and sometimes he'll sit up there and bahwoooo at me as I run around, but mostly we sit up there together wrestling and barking at the other dogs.

And I've gotten big. Really really big. TheLady tells everyone I weigh about eighty five pounds, and I think that's quite a lot. TheBeardedOne didn't want me to get a neutered - not sure what that is, but Stewie says he got one and it sucks, and he's small - so maybe me not getting one helped me get bigger? I dunno for sure. But I'm almost the biggest dog in the area, other than maybe that damn German Shepherd down the alley and across the street. And every time we go for a walk - walks RULE! - we have to go a different direction because that damn Shepherd calls me names like 'bitty black baby' and 'Gozer the Chickenshit Coward' and it just really ticks me off. Ya know? I think we ought to settle it - I can surely kick his mangy Shepherd ass - but TheBeardedOne always walks me now, never TheLady, and he never lets me fight! It's so unfair! I mean, jeesh! Just because I dragged her into a fence a couple of times when some mangy mutt called me a name doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to defend myself, does it?

Mutter. Mutter. Damn mouthy Shepherds.

So that's mostly what I've been doing. Playing with the beagle, sitting on my deck, and taking walks, none of which let me explain the meaning of 'Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor' to that Shepherd.

I can take him.

Mailboxes, Rawhides and Basements

2008-12-30T12:34:00.000-08:00

I'd like to say things have been interesting lately, but that'd be a fib. It's been really boring, overall. Cold and snowy and dull. Sometimes we're inside, sometimes we're out, sometimes we want one but have the other. We've had some nummy snacks - let me say for the record that a ham-shank bone is a most awesome thing - but, mostly we've just been doing the same old, same old thing, just like everyone else.

Yesterday, though, there was a little fun. I got to go out and get the mail with TheLady. Stewie had to stay inside - ha! - because he'd take off. I, though, come when I'm called so I get little 'let's go out the front door without a leash!' treats once in a while. Which are awesome!

Anyway, I was sooooo excited that I bolted out the door and slid clear across the porch until I crashed into the railing. Then I scrambled down the steps and tumbled into the bushes. Up I leapt, only to crash again into the snow and to the sidewalk. I laid there, all happy and excited, while TheLady petted me and called me a goofylab. I dunno what a goofylab is, but she says that a lot. I got up and bounded though the poofy, untrampled snow and had a blast while she walked to the mailbox. It's great to get the mail!

Then, later, after she and the HumanPuppy were gone for a while, TheLady brought me and Stewie back some special treats. They were beefy bones wrapped in rawhide and oh my dog, they were yummy! Stewie loved his so much he rolled on it and just grinned! I mostly chewed mine, until Stewie stole it. Then I stole his. And he stole it back. And we wrestled. Wresting's fun!

And then, today, I went into the basement. Stewie gets in trouble down there - he eats the cats food and their poops out of the litter box - and I did NOT want to go. I hate getting in trouble. but TheLady carried me down there and I got to sniff everything, and it wasn't bad at all. Just gotta stay away from the cat food.

All in all, it's been a pretty good couple of days.

Boring!

2008-12-17T00:41:00.000-08:00

There's snow all the time now, and it's just not as fun anymore. I go out to do my business and want right back in, but sometimes we don't get to come right back in because the humans are napping - what? we can't hang out inside if they're asleep? - or because the little teeny kitty needs to eat. Privately.

I know she's been sick and all, but, jeesh! It's not like we'd want to eat her stupid cat food. I mean, well, we DO, but we'd get in trouble and I really don't want to get in trouble, especially over something as stupid as a little cat food. The Beagle, though, he's always trying to sneak over and get some of whatever he's not supposed to. I'm good, but still we both get put out in the snow. Just so the sick little kitty can eat.

And it's just boring. Boring and cold. Even in the house. And there's nothing to do inside anyway but lay around chewing rawhide things or napping. And, as always, watching the Beagle get in trouble which, of course, means we both go outside in the snow. TheLady tries to play ball with us sometimes, but the Beagle runs off with it and won't give it back. So we're bored.

Sigh.

Wish I could have some canned cat food. It smells fantastic!

Cheese RULES!

2008-12-09T01:38:00.000-08:00

I thought about writing that title like it was a LOL cat thing, but I'm not a cat.

Today, the humans packed EVERY ONE of the cats in a weird little cage with a handle on top and took them away for a while. Something about they needed medicine. I heard the humans talking about how we - meaning us dogs - needed our medicine too, but, TheLady just gave me and the beagle each a wad of cheese. Which was VERY yummy, even if it did have a sort of odd, bitter after taste to it.

I was extra super duper special good ALL DAY but she wouldn't give me any more cheese. What's a dog gotta do to get some cheesy treats around here?

Not poop on the floor, that's part of it, because the beagle pooped on the rug AGAIN and that meant we had to go outside where it was like snowing and raining and was cold and ucky. It wasn't ME, I swear! I'm not that stupid and I like being warm. The beagle, tho, he has a bad attitude sometimes, whatever that means. But we were back in before too long, and sleeping on the couch, and for supper the humans had something called Alfredo - all I know is that it tastes like CHEESE!!! Yummy! - then back outside to play in the super-duper fluffy POOF! snow! And biscuits because I'm a good dog and poop outside.

Still want more cheese, though.

A visit from the TV Lady

2008-12-05T18:53:00.000-08:00

So. Like. Yesterday. TheLady and Bearded One were kinda moping around the house because the TV thing was broken. They really don't watch it much - it's great when they do, at least when just one of them does, because I get to lay of the couch and CUDDLE!!! - so I didn't understand why they'd be grumbly about it. The Beagle said to just watch, we'd get in trouble for it, whatever it was.

And he was right!

See, this lady with a tool-belt came, with a box - boxes rule! - and she did some stuff in the cabinet, things we weren't allowed to touch, even though the wires and plastic bags and papers and things were all so very interesting. In fact TheLady put me and the beagle outside just so we wouldn't get into trouble.

By the way, did the CATS have to go outside? No. And the littlest one sat IN the box and jumped all over the tool-belt lady and played with the papers and plastic bags and everything and did she get in trouble? NO. Everyone kept saying how cute she was. Dang cats, it's so unfair.

Anyway, we were outside a while and the tool-belt lady and Bearded One came outside and climbed up on the garage to look at the big round thingy up there, which was apparently okay. So then we were let out of our part of the back yard - the humans call it Fort Stewie, how stupid is that? Don't they realize I'm in there too?? - and wouldn't you know it, we got in trouble, just like Stewie said we would.

Why, you ask? Well there was this rubbery wire thing that came up from the ground and poked into the house and, the afternoon before, Stewie suggested that it might be tasty. And it was, until I got a good gnaw going then it kinda bit me in the mouth, made it all tingly-scratchy-yeeouch! But Bearded One and the lady with the tool-belt were some upset with us. So TheLady brought us inside and there was a lot of banging and clanging outside - and the dang little cat playing in the papers and boxes we dogs weren't allowed to touch, isn't she cute? Yeah, cute enough to get stepped on, little snot - and TheLady was very, very grumpy with us.

But whatever needed to be banged and clanged got done and the tool-belt lady got the TV working again, and Bearded One just shook his head at us and everything was okay.

We were extra special good the rest of the day, though, and today we got leftover pork roast! Which ROCKS!!

Getting in trouble sucks

2008-11-29T21:36:00.000-08:00

The two humans I live with apparently created a puppy some time ago and she's been here, visiting, for the past few days. It's all VERY exciting, someone new to play with and lick and all that fun stuff, but I get so excited that I forget to, well, do all the things the humans expect me to do. Like tell them when I need to go potty. Or not chew up furniture.

But it's HARD when the human puppy is here, she's such fun. Even when she tells me to 'Go downstairs!' or 'Stop licking me!', I just can't help myself.

I forget. That's all.

The Lady doesn't seem to understand so I've been spending a lot of time outside and she tells me to 'Tear things up out there, dang dawg!'

That doesn't seem very fair.

Five. Cats.

2008-11-25T04:00:00.000-08:00

A couple of nights ago, TheLady snuck out the back door with a bowl of cat food - incredibly yummy stuff, btw, you should try it - and after a bit she came back in with a fifth cat.

This feline interloper is all white and meows a lot. He also fights with the original cats. I've only seen him once, since he's mostly been hiding in the basement and I don't like to go down there. That's cat territory.

They get to - can you believe this? - potty in a box full of stinky sand. I have to potty outside. In the cold. Which isn't so bad, but have you ever squatted to take a dump in the snow? Let me assure you, cold butts are not fun. And their food dish is filled whenever TheLady or The Bearded One notice that it's empty, day or night. My food dish - thanks to the beagle who can't hold his bladder or bowels more than a few moments after he gets the urge - gets put up every night before The Bearded One goes to work. I can't nosh all night, but that cats sure do.

They get to sleep on the humans' bed. They get full run of the house - us dogs aren't supposed to go upstairs without supervision because the beagle - again, good God, will I always be marginalized and restricted because of him?? - might pee on the carpet. TheLady assures me that she doesn't worry about me tearing things up or peeing in bad places, just Stewie.

The cats get carried around and talked to and their tummies tickled and whenever they flop on the floor and show their bellies they get petted. I show my belly all the freaking time and how often does it get scratched? Maybe twice a day.

Damn cats think they're special. If they're so special, why are they fighting with the new guy instead of just making him part of the kitty klan? Us dogs would figure out who's in charge in mere minutes yet he's been here since Friday.

At least cats are fun to chase. That's their one redeeming quality.

SNOW!!

2008-11-22T16:41:00.000-08:00

The cats have been muttering about something called 'snow' for a while now. Every time they go outside and it's cold they come back in and say - sadly - that there'll be snow soon.

I was worried, ya know? They made it sound like such a bad thing. Terrible. Like a bath or something.

Well, let me tell you, snow's AWESOME! It's cold and fluffy and white and covers everything and POOF! every time I jump into it and it just plain rocks.

Cats are stupid.

Bored

2008-11-21T22:01:00.000-08:00

Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

Nothing fun to chew, just plain old boring rawhides. It's too cold to play outside and we get in trouble for chasing cats.

Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

Stewie got in trouble!

2008-11-18T22:54:00.000-08:00

He snuck downstairs to the basement and ate the cat's food. While The Lady was in the kitchen. She heard, she yelled, and Stewie was Put Outside.

And it's cold out there.

You know, if he'd have waited until she went to bed, he wouldn't have gotten caught.

Chicken Pot Pie

2008-11-18T20:42:00.000-08:00

Yummy stuff, that pot pie. The Beagle tried to hog it all, but I pushed him out of the way. This getting big thing is kinda cool, I must say.

Chewing. A dog's gotta do it.

2008-11-18T13:27:00.001-08:00

There's a great big chewy thing - the humans call it a love seat - that tastes soooooo good. But I'm not supposed to chew on it. The rawhide strips and 'toys' and bones get boring. Why cant she understand that? And the rug? I heard her tell Bearded One that it just cost a dollar - I don't think that's much - but still I get in trouble for gnawing on it.

But it's soft yet bouncy, and shreds so well. There's a lot of satisfaction in chewing on something that shreds. And the love seat thing... just wow!

Makes rawhide strips seem dull.

I love it when...

2008-11-17T20:33:00.000-08:00

There's a baking pan thing, and she puts it down on the floor for us to clean up. Tonight was chicken tomato cheesy stuff. And it was really yummy.

I'm gonna lick her for a while, and nap on the couch!

So. Like. Today.

2008-11-17T16:44:00.001-08:00

The Lady and Bearded One went out for a walk without US! Stewie and I were stuck out back and the humans up and walked out the front! Can you believe that crap? Don't they know we like going for walks?

Sure, it was supposedly just to the post office a couple of blocks away, but that's not the point. How else are Stewie and I supposed to check in with the other dogs if we never get out of the yard? Maybe he's right, maybe we should try to escape, but, crap, he's escaped several times and always comes back. If we're gonna come back maybe we should just stay?

I'm not very confrontational, I guess. I like to cuddle and lick things and be everyone's buddy. The beagle's just a bad influence. Everyone says so.

But, get this, the humans came back with ANOTHER DOG. Some little fluffy white bit of nothing who kept talking smack. To ME! One deep breath and I'd have inhaled him.

The Lady said he was lost and after a while she left with him and came back alone, so I guess it's okay, but, dang. I didn't get to go for that walk either!

I really want to go for a walk.